


Won't Say I'm in Love

by gretaamyk



Category: CM, Criminal Minds, Matthew Gray Gubler - Fandom, Spencer Reid - Fandom, mgg - Fandom
Genre: CM - Freeform, F/M, Spencer Reid - Freeform, Spencer Reid imagine, criminal minds - Freeform, matthew gray gubler - Freeform, matthew gray gubler imagine, matthew gray gubler x reader - Freeform, mgg, spencer reid x reader - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:54:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26588452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gretaamyk/pseuds/gretaamyk
Summary: Request: Imagine Matthew feeling kind of down so he’s not as bubbly as he usually is so you just stay the whole day cuddling and telling him jokes and at one point he gets really clingy and a word vomit of how he loves you just escapes his mouth. -Anon
Relationships: Matthew Gray Gubler/Reader
Comments: 1
Kudos: 62





	Won't Say I'm in Love

The sound of the pattering rain on the roof was making it incredibly difficult to get out of bed. The earthy smell filling my lungs when I breathed in, thanks to my opened window. It was natures lullaby trying to lull me back to sleep, and pumped melatonin through my body. So if I fall asleep, it’s technically not my fault. It’s Mother Nature’s. But my boss would never accept that as an excuse, so I forced myself to get out of bed and get to work.

I was working from home as a journalist for a small company in the city. I wasn’t Scrooge McDuck by any means, but I made enough money to make ends meet. Though I lived by myself, so it wasn’t exactly hard.

My boyfriend however, was making unbelievable amounts of money as an actor. Matthew owned multiple places, the closest one to me being a castle-esque mansion on the outskirts of town. It was my dream home, I wanted something like it ever since I was little. Fantastical greenery climbed the walls with its vines and flowers so thick that you couldn’t even see the stone. There were beautiful trees and plants, a spindly staircase, and whimsically large windows that make me feel like someone out of a fairy tale. His house was my happy place. But even after a year and a half of being together, I didn’t live there. I didn’t deserve to. With my salary I deserved the apartment I was living in. And this apartment was grungy, stale and as un-whimsical as it gets.

I remember Matthew and I talking about it. He told me, “It’s not about the money, it’s about you and me, and that’s all there is to it.” But that wasn’t all there was. We had been going out for approaching two years and we’ve been taking things painfully slow. It’s my wish, of course, and Matthew had no problem complying. But honestly that willingness put up with everything for me made me feel worse.

I had just gotten out of a relationship when I met Matthew. I told the guy that I loved him and he got scared and left. The man I was with before that, it went the same way. The concept of love was a dark cloud that followed me wherever I went. I just had no luck with it and at this point, I had given up. The problem is, I really like Matthew. He makes me feel things that scare me to my core. I love how he always gave one hundred percent of himself to everyone around him. I love how much he loves his momma, and treats her with the as much respect as his body could possibly hold. I love how every time he sees a baby he just needs to say hello and make them laugh. He would make an incredible father. Who am I kidding, he’s the earth and heaven to me. But at least out loud, I can’t ’t admit I’m in love. Because that never worked out for me.

The man had access to every crevice of my physical body. There he was welcomed and fully appreciated, he memorized my body as well as he could memorize his scripts. But there was a lockbox inside me, and the words I love you would remain there forever. I loved him, but I couldn’t lose him. So he couldn’t find out.

Once I removed myself from the warm embrace of my duvet, I immediately slid on one of my boyfriends hoodies he’d leant me. He thought it was funny how I’d go to sleep wearing practically nothing with the fan running on high, and then “have the audacity” (as he’d say) to complain about being cold. He had a point, but I also liked having an excuse to practically absorb into his form as we slept together. It was comforting to have him there. But because of his job, he was gone more often than not.

This time he was away in Vancouver working on Criminal Minds. He was gone for a week already, and it would be another two days before he got home. I was practically counting down the hours until then.

I looked at my little alarm clock on my bedside table, and it was only 7:30 am, so it was a good start to the day after all. I went into the kitchen, and put my vintage tea kettle on the stove and turned on the heat. It was a bronze Chantal Tea Kettle that Matthew bought for me when my last one broke. I didn’t even drink that much tea before that, but with the sentiment this one has, I’ve started make tea every day. Weirdly it makes me feel close to him, even though he much prefers coffee.

I made myself toast, slathered it with honey, and ate it with some fresh strawberries and orange juice. Then I plopped down onto my couch and pulled my laptop into my lap. I opened up my document and frowned as it was still blank, as if I was hoping it would have written itself over night. Life would be a lot easier that way. As silly as he could be, Matthew was the voice of reason in my life and without him here I wasn’t getting anything done. At all.

I groaned and rubbed my face with my hands, already frustrated after working for two minutes. How was I supposed to write 10,000 words about coffee? I hardly even drink it myself.

When people think of coffee, they usually think of- No, that’s dumb. I backspaced.

Fifty-four percent of American adults are avid- No! Backspace.

Coffee lovers around the world- Backspace.

Backspace, Backspace, Backspace.

The sounds of my own keys clacking was drilling a hole directly into my head. The only thing stopping me from throwing my Macbook straight into the stone wall of my apartment was the knowledge that it was either a new laptop or a few months rent. It wasn’t worth it. So I closed the lid as calmly as I could, and put it to the side. I leaned onto my knees, supporting my head up with my hands. My eyes were squeezed shut as I breathed.

“Lord, give me strength.” I mumbled. I heard two small knocks. “God?” I asked, perking up.

“Y/n?” I heard Matthews voice. No, he was in Vancouver. I’m going insane. Still I rushed over to the door and undid the many locks. I opened it, and sure enough he was standing right there.

“Matthew? What are you doing-” He pulled me into a tight hug that knocked the air from my lungs. “…here?” I welcomed his touch and slowly wrapped my arms around his torso like a blanket. He nuzzled into my neck, and grabbed tightly onto his sweatshirt that I had on. He was shaking. He was… crying?

My heart dropped, “Matthew, sweetheart, what’s wrong?” His response was nothing more than a shaky breath, and so I pulled him over to the couch and closed the door. I joined him again on the couch and he immediately pulled me back into his arms.

“Look at me,” I grabbed his face in my hands and forced him to look at me. I ran the pads of my thumbs under his eyes and wiped away the tears like they were raindrops on a car windshield. His hand reached up to cup my hand and hold it in it’s place on my skin. He naturally had deep sunken eyes but I could tell that he was exhausted. “Talk to me. Why aren’t you in Canada?” I asked, hardly above a whisper. He was a big guy, with a big personality that drew everyone to him. But he looked like incredibly fragile glass, and I was worried that I was going to break him with my words alone.

“I… I missed you.” He spoke. I couldn’t help but smile, but he was still frowning.

“You came home early because… because you missed me?” I asked, and he nodded. “That’s really sweet, Gube.”

“Yeah,” he smile sadly, glancing down into his lap, before looking back up into my eyes. “I did a… I did a scene where I had to kiss Aubrey an-and I couldn’t stop thinking about you and I couldn’t stop wishing… that it was you instead. I missed holding you and kissing you and I just wanted to be back home again.”

“I was here by myself for a week and a half and you get to make out with Aubrey Plaza for money?” I laughed and he cracked a smile, “Was she good?”

“That’s a trap if I’ve ever heard one.” he laughed, pulling me back into his arms. I cuddled into him further. 

The high pitched whistling of the tea kettle made me jump out of my skin. Matthew was completely unfazed and he just laughed at me. I shook my head at him to go into the kitchen, returning with two mugs of steeping tea.

“What kind is that?” He asked, gratefully taking one of the mugs from my hands.

“Chamomile.”

“Why chamomile? Its 8 am.”

“I think both of use could use a nap, now come on,” I waved him over as I started towards the bedroom. He got up and followed closely behind me. I got in bed, back under my thick duvet, and he slid in next to me after kicking off his shoes. He moved his arm over my shoulders and I cuddled into his chest. I picked up the tv remote and turned my tv on, taking a sip of my tea.

I opened up the Disney+ app using Matthews account that he lets me use and picked Beauty and the Beast.

“My favorite.” He hummed, laying his head on top of mine. The opening music started to play as the story of the Prince’s backstory echoed through the room. We drank our tea and allowed for the mild sedative to let us drift off. My eyes fluttered shut and my arm stretched across his chest like a seat belt. I felt his hand run through my hair. I hummed contently.

“You remind me of Belle,” He said softly, smoothing my hair down with his fingers. I looked at him curiously. He looked back at me but he was deep in thought. I knew that she was his favorite Disney Princess, and so I took that as the highest compliment.

“Why’s that?” I ran my hand up and down his tummy. A sweet but shy smile came to his face, and I felt my heart flutter.

“Because she’s smart, and she’s kind, and she’s beautiful.” His eyes moved from the hair his hand worked to directly on my eyes. “I knew there was a reason she’s my favorite and now I think it’s because… you’re my favorite.” His voice was soft but sure. His eyes quickly glanced down at my lips and back up to my eyes. I responded with a gentle smile and he returned it, before closing the gap between us and pressing his lips to mine.

His hands cupped either side of my head, just below my face. His fingers delicately traced the line of my jaw, his hold urged me to deepen the kiss. I straddled his lap and parted my mouth, his tongue ran over my lower lip. His hands traveled into the roots of my hair, and I sighed contently against his lips. His touch was passionate, but soft and sweet. The feeling of him was intoxicating, and I kissed him like I was desperate for another hit.

I felt wetness on my cheeks. I opened my eyes and broke apart from him. Tears spilled out of his eyes and I kissed where they landed on his cheeks.

“Promise me that you’re not going to leave.” He whispered, his eyes squeezed tightly shut.

“I’m not going anywhere, baby, I’m promise.” I rested my forehead on his. His arms wrapped my arms around my body and held him tightly against himself. It was like my words weren’t quite and he needed to secure me there. But it was alright because I was content in his arms anyway.

“I love you.” He said simply and quietly. I didn’t know if he wanted me to hear him or not. But I did. I opened my eyes and he was already looking into them. “I know that scares you… and for some reason you won’t tell me why. You don’t have to say it back. But I need you to know that it’s true. I love you so much, y/n.”

His face buried back into the crook of my neck, like he was too scared to see the look on my face. He was right, it scares me… at least normally it it. I couldn’t explain why, but for some reason, when he said it I didn’t feel scared. I felt hopeful. I felt peaceful. I felt everything but fear.

We sat there together for what seemed like forever but in reality, it couldn’t have been more than a few minutes. Soon enough he was asleep. I carefully moved off of him, trying not to disturb him. I looked up at him, he looked so peaceful. I was happy he was finally able to rest, I could tell that wasn’t a luxury he was able to afford as of late. His eyes laid shut and soft breaths fell out of his mouth. I blinked and smiled to myself, before curling up at his side.

“I love you too.” I whispered to him, though it was mostly meant for myself. I wasn’t scared anymore. I let my eyes close, inhaling his scent and embracing his presence. I slowly slipped into unconsciousness, but before I did, I felt a gentle kiss on my forehead.

“I know.”


End file.
